Ask Better Questions
- Practice the art of persuasive learning. When you’re trying to open other people’s minds, we can frequently accomplish more by listening than by talking. How can you show an interest in helping people crystallize their own views and uncover their own reasons for change? A good way to start is to increase your question-to-statement ratio.
- Question how rather than why. When people describe why they hold extreme views, they often intensify their commitment and double down. When they try to explain how they would make their views a reality, they often realize the limits of their understanding and start to temper some of their opinions.
- Ask how people originally formed an opinion. Many of our opinions, like our stereotypes, are arbitrary; we’ve developed them without rigorous data or deep reflection. To help people reevaluate, prompt them to consider how they’d believe different thinks if they’d been born at different time or in a different place.
Approach Disagreements as Dances, Not Battles
- Acknowledge common ground. A debate is like a dance, not a war. Admitting points of convergence doesn’t make you weaker – it shows that you’re willing to negotiate about what’s true, and motivates the other side to consider your point of view.
- Remember that less is often more. If you pile on too many different reasons to support your case, it can make your audience defensive – and cause them to reject your entire argument based on its least compelling points. Instead of diluting your argument, lead with a few of your strongest points.
- Reinforce freedom of choice. Sometimes people resist not because you’re dismissing the argument but because they’re rejecting the feeling of their behavior being controlled. It helps to respect their autonomy by reminding them that it’s up to them to choose what they believe.
- Have a conversation about conversation. If emotions are running hot, try redirecting the discussion to the process. Like the expect negotiators who comment on their feelings and test their understanding of the other side’s feelings, you can somethings make progress by expressing your disappointment or frustration and asking people if they share it.